Worth The Fall

I would like to think I'm one of those people who take much pride into my intelligence and my personal judgment. No exaggeration here: When I say I'm right, I usually am right.

Right now, I question myself. Under normal circumstances, I would stand firm to my opinions and my beliefs, however, as I begin to reevaluate the past months' progress, I am not sure if I'm extremely satisfied with the current outcome. Isn't this why we must continually without fail check and critique ourselves in order to move forward?


I have dug myself into a situation where the sacrifices have been endless. Though initially I may have hesitated to give myself away to vulnerability, I remain unmoved, continuing to offer what I can - only because I care that much.

Perhaps, I care too much. I say this because the trains of thought that run through my head as I compose this are causing my hands to tremble. I have goosebumps. I am holding back so much tears. I can feel myself getting numb. This is my porcupine. My defense mechanism.

"You win some, you lose some." My doubts have resurfaced because I have yet to meet somebody that can offer me that same fountain of sacrifices, even if it's temporary. I have never felt that somebody loved me enough even for a brief moment to stand up for me, to do something for my benefit, anything. It was always me doing things like that for everyone else.

The only exception to that statement is my mother. About ten years ago, when I was a different person, an empty hollow shell with no character, my mother was there for me and I didn't thank her. I have little to offer to her but the least I do to show my gratitude for the sacrifices she has made for me are to obedient and in excel in school. She says that's enough.

My mother not only made sacrifices for me, but she also taught me some valuable lessons. That people come and go and that friends are temporary. Family is the only thing that will matter. Although that may be true, how do you discern between those people who have become family? Is it when we know that those people love us more than we could love ourselves?

Because I certainly do not feel that type of love and affection. From anybody.

Once upon a time, you asked me why I had to be so deliberately rude to some people and I replied, "Because. The world isn't a pretty place filled with kind hearted people. You have to protect yourself because you only have yourself. You were born into this world alone, you leave the world alone. It's the sad truth."