Justifed information

Warning: This content of this post is derived from the purpose of bottled anger and anxiety.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was always oblivious to the negativity around her. Her daily appearance was no where near spectacular - she sat quietly with her hair pulled back daily behind the dull glasses that sat on the bridges of her nose. When the times for conversation were presented, she set herself up to become vulnerable. She was an open book, honest, and friendly. As the years progressed, each page of her book started to close. She learned that the world was actually a cruel place.

I remember in middle school when I had no brain or greater grip on common sense that every friendship could last forever... until the very end of 8th grade. I gradually began to question myself about the changes that were bound. These thoughts perplexed me so much that felt so inclined to compose a 2,000 word blog on Xanga about it! One person who commented told me that the friends I had would NOT change. Bullshit.

I am aware that many people, underclassmen particularly, think of me as stern and mean. Many consider my personality as unfavorable. I don't blame them. Some felt so strongly about this that they went as far to create a hate club about me. For truth's sake, my mission is to keep the friends I have now, and keep the other suitors of my friendship at bay. I have little intention in building additional strong friendships. Maybe I'm hesitant, afraid of repeating the past: making lots of friends and feeling dismal in the end when they drift or betray you. Keep that shit to a minimum and you've got minimum drama. (Pardon my cynical attitude.)

To put it simply, the number of real friends you're going to have in your life, particularly at the crossroad where families have been established, can be counted on your hand(s).

I'm still at two real friends, and maybe someday I can add on and make it three. I take that back, I've got more than that now.

After a brief evaluation of my life thus far, four people that truly deceived me are on my mind.

1. You and I built a strong bond within a year. I trusted you with the things I told you, and I never realized that you were only trying to pry into my life to dig up information so that you could tell the rest of the world a distorted story to dislike me. When you discovered I was aware of your intentions, you wrote me an apology letter, and I accepted it. But you committed the same crime twice, and further damaged our friendship. You then sent someone to deliver yet another letter. I took it, and trashed it.

2. You violated your own morals when "that person" became a part of your life. That person was always deceiving you and your friends, and when your friends were concerned you claimed that you would never pick sides. But your choices and priorities were clear to me. His poison plagued you and you changed into a person that no one knew. I could see the concern and pain your parents felt when you did things no one could be proud of. That is why I left you. I never asked the other girls to follow me and support my decision, but they willingly chose to. I know that one of them regretted it.

I still see your mother sometimes and she smiles at me. Maybe she sees the memories of our friendship fondly.

3. I have not unveiled the true reasons for our separation. I have somewhat of a lead, but I suppose I will never be able to confirm it. I suppose it will always remain a mystery. I still care for you, even after all the distrust and betrayal, and wonder how you are. Can you feel the tension when we are near?

4. There was an instant connection between us, and I kind of looked to you as a sister. Like "number two" your sense of character altered, and like "number one" you betrayed me not once, but twice. The first time, I accepted it and faced the fact that I had little justification to hold a grudge. The second time is absolutely unforgivable.

Mending our relationship is impossible now.

I've found that the people who had the courage to confront me and my wrongdoings are the people I hold no ill-will to. The ones who remained silent are the ones I still think about and question.

Ah, I feel eight times lighter. Time to play video games.